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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25063264">Ellie's Redemption</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby__BlueEyes/pseuds/Nova%20Armstrong'>Nova Armstrong (Baby__BlueEyes)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Queer Character, Canon Queer Relationship, F/F, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Character, Multi, POV Lesbian Character, Queer Character, Queer Themes, Queerplatonic Relationships, Zombie Apocalypse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:34:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,058</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25063264</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby__BlueEyes/pseuds/Nova%20Armstrong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After everything that they had been through, after everything and everyone they had lost... Ellie knew that she couldn't let Dina slip through her fingers. Mistakes were made, and she knew that, but as she returns to Jackson she was going to do everything she could to make it up to her... to everyone.</p><p>*SPOILERS*</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina &amp; Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina &amp; Joel (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Tommy (The Last of Us), Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Welcome Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS STORY HAS HUGE SPOILERS FOR THE LAST OF US PART 2- IF YOU HAVE NOT COMPLETED THE GAME AND DO NOT WANT SPOILERS PLEASE STOP HERE AND COME BACK LATER. THIS IS THE ONLY WARNING. Thank you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I didn’t regret going after Abby. I knew that if I left things the way that they were before, I would not have survived. I ruined everything that I created with Dina and yet I still couldn’t bring myself to completely regret my decision. </p><p>The walk from the farm house to Jackson was longer than I remembered, or maybe given the circumstances I was just walking slower. I didn’t grab anything and didn’t have a particular destination, I just didn’t know where else to go. Walking into town felt like a scene from an old movie. I could see where everything used to be: the place Jesse and I met up before going on patrol, the playground were Dina and I had a snowball fight just to prove a point, the place Joel and I sat and talked the night before he died where I should have said or done more to move into forgiving him. </p><p>I moved through town like a ghost. After the big gates opened no one stopped and said hi or asked where I was or what happened, they moved about as if it truly didn’t matter if I was here or not. I continued moving until I found myself only a block away from where Jesse’s family lived, as far as I knew anyways. I heard her laugh before I actually saw her. JJ crawled around in front if the building, giggling as Dina followed him on her hands and knees. I didn’t know what I was going to say…. I didn’t have a plan or an idea or even a clue as to whether or not she even wanted to see me ever again. Nonetheless, it did not stop my feet from moving towards her. </p><p>I got a few feet away before my heart began to race. I could feel my face turning red as she turned towards the sound of my footsteps, scanning by body before fixing her eyes on mine. Her mouth opened slightly as if she wanted to stay something, but it closed before anything escaped. </p><p>“Hi.” I said nervously as her chocolate brown eyes devoured my soul. “I just wanted to…” I stuttered ,my words falling short as she stood up and walked towards me. “To…. um. Hi.” </p><p>She looked me up and down and didn’t say a word… she just stared at me like I was an alien. </p><p>“Um… been a while I know but um…” before I could finish my horribly choppy sentence, JJ came crawling up to me. He sits down near my shoe and looks up at me with a smile from ear to ear, putting his hands up in the air like he recognized me. I looked at Dina, then back to JJ and to Dina again. “Can I… pick him up?” She nodded her head yes and so I thanked her with a smile before reaching down to pick up the boy I almost considered a son. </p><p>He babbled and smiled as he grabbed at my face and my hair. It was harder to hold him now then before, he was a bit bigger and I had a few less fingers to work with. </p><p>“What happened to your hand?” the first words Dina said to me. Of course I was hoping for something along the lines of ‘I missed you’ or ‘I love you’ but then again… I couldn’t ask for something like that given how I left. I shifted JJ into the crook of my right elbow and lifted my hand up so Dina could get a better look at it. The fingers were just nubs, taken off just above the second knuckle so they bent but in the most awkward way. </p><p>“It’s… complicated.” I replied with a small smile again. I could tell from the look on her face that she was angry with me though I could have sworn I saw a flicker of concern. It was small, but at least there was something. “You live here?” I gestured with my head towards the house. </p><p>“Yeah. Jesse’s parents they um… they help.” </p><p>“Good! Good… that's good.” You could cut the awkward tension with a knife. I turned my attention back towards JJ and watched as he smiled up at me. I put my hand up so he could see it. He didn’t look scared like I thought he would, instead he grabbed at the nubs with his fingers and giggled. “So I-” Before I was able to get up the nerve to say anything, a door opened up behind us. </p><p>“Dina? Everything okay?” I turned to see Jesse’s mom peeking her head out of the house. Her face reminded me of Jesse...they had the exact same nose. “Ellie? Ellie!” She ran out of the house and enveloped me in an awkward hug that had my arms pinned down to my sides. “Oh wow it’s been so long! How are you? Where did you go? What happened to your hand? Oh we missed you. Dina missed you.” The heat rose to my cheeks. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that the same went for Dina as well. She looked towards the ground to try and hide it but not before I saw. “Well don’t you two just stand there, come inside for a few? We can grab a beer and talk a bit?” I looked over to Dina, searching her face for something that showed she wanted me to come inside as much as Jesse’s mom did...but to no avail.</p><p>“No, it’s okay. Raincheck.” I took JJ in my hands and turned to hand him to Dina. “I need to find Maria, but thank you. Dina?” She looked at me with a blank face. I wished that she would say more because there was so much I wish I could say… but I refrained. “See you later?” She hesitated before slowly nodding her head yes. I smiled and waved awkwardly at Jesse’s mother before backing away. </p><p>I walked away without turning back. I couldn’t look at her face staring back at me with all of that...disdain. I wanted to make things right with her, prove that this was all over for real this time and that I can be there… but from the looks of that conversation I didn’t have much hope. </p><p>I walked back towards the center of town, towards a bar I know Maria loved to be at no matter what time of day. It wasn’t until I set foot inside that I finally got a bit of the welcome I was looking for. A few men from the patrols waved or raised a glass for me, one even came up and patted me on the shoulder as I walked by. Maria was sitting at the bar, facing away from me, so I slid the stool out that was next to her and took a seat. </p><p>“Glad to see you.” She said without looking at me. Was she mad at me like Tommy was? Had I disappointed her too? “Heard you went back for Abby again. Was that Tommy’s doing?” This time she looked at me. Her eyes were filled with fear but her face stayed neutral, raising her eyebrows and picking up a bottle to put to her lips as she waited patiently for my response. I took a big breath in before slowly nodding my head yes. “Fucking hell.” She rolled her eyes and took a bigger swig of her drink. “That bastard. Look I…” she paused. She set her drink down, turned towards me and put a hand on my forearm before continuing. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t speak for him, I never could. But for whatever it was that he said that brought you out of that beautiful little farmhouse? I’m sorry.” </p><p>“How’s he doing?” Seth shoved a bottle over towards me, nodding his head and I took it with a faint smile in thanks. </p><p>“He’s surviving. Angry at the world, angry at himself. Has been having a lot of nightmares recently.”</p><p>“Yeah I know what that's like. I did too. Still do every now and again.”</p><p>“We’re separated.” She said it so plainly, like it was just a fact. No emotions or anything else behind it, just a fact. “He’s actually living in Joel’s house. I… hope that’s alright with you?” She stared at me, looking for some sort of reaction in my face that I wasn’t sure was there. It took a moment before I was able to say anything. The thought of someone else living in that house that wasn’t Joel was… rough. We’re Joel’s things still there? Did someone get rid of it or was Tommy inside making coffee and sipping it out of Joel’s favorite owl mug? It felt wrong but… I knew that it was something that had to happen eventually.</p><p>“Oh, yeah that’s fine. I mean it wasn’t my house I just… used the garage.” </p><p>“Still. It feels wrong not to ask, knowing how close you two were.” I smiled and looked down inside the bottle, watching the yellowish liquid bubble up against the inside of the glass. </p><p>“Thanks…”</p><p>“You should talk to him.” She said after a few more awkward moments of silence, I looked in her direction but she was staring down just like I was a few moments ago. It was as if she did not want to face me after saying that. “I know that you left things in a bad way… but I bet he would be happy to hear from you… to hear what happened and why the hell you only have three fingers on the hand you’re trying to hide from me.” She ended with a little light hearted laughter that made me feel a bit better about the situation. I didn’t realize until now that I had my hand sitting down by my side, out of her view. It wasn’t as intentional as I bet she thought it was, but still impressive that she saw it anyways. </p><p>“Yeah. I should. Thanks Maria, don’t worry I’ll explain later.” I stood up and reached into my pocket to grab something to pay for the drink, but Seth put up a hand to stop me. I nodded in thanks as I turned to leave. “Oh… Maria?” she turned to look at me with raised eyebrows, giving me the look I’d imagine a mom would give when her kid was about to tell her the bad thing they did at school. “Can… I have my spot on the patrol back?”</p><p>“You sure you’re ready for that?” </p><p>“Yeah.” I nodded slowly as I brought my hands together so I could pop my knuckles. I tried to go for the knuckle on my left ring finger but then realized it wasn't there anymore. Still something I would have to get used to I guess. “I want to help out again.” Maria nodded and smiled, giving me a small wink before I turned and walked out of the bar. </p><p>Walking toward Joel’s house filled me with a sense of dread. I started to get flashbacks of the two of us together, good times this time instead of the bad ones. Learning to play the guitar, pushing me into a river while teaching me to swim or even just him looking over my shoulder and commenting on the drawings that filled the pages of my journals. The closer I got the more I missed him… but everything was so different now. The snow had melted away and the grass in his front yard was starting to grow. As I got closer I looked over at the graveyard that was across the street only to see that someone had put a new set of flowers on his gravestone. I couldn’t help but smile and think about the comments that he would have made about decorating the headstones. I can almost hear him in my head and see him looking down at me saying ‘Man, what a sap. I guess someone likes me or something.’ followed by one of his big awkward smiles. </p><p>I walked up the steps and stared at the big front door, took a deep breath in and firmly knocked. I waited there a while, so long that I thought Tommy saw that it was me and refused to answer. I began to turn around when I heard the door creek open. I turned and saw half of his face peering out of the opening. His hair was completely grey and his beard had grown so much that it hovered just above his collarbone. His hair was matted and the bags under his eye were so dark that it was obvious  he hadn’t slept in weeks. Neither one of us said anything at first, we just stood there and stared at each other. Finally Tommy stepped back and opened the door all the way before limping back into the house, leaving it wide for me to follow. </p><p>I walked inside and gazed at the familiar staircase. The last time I was in this house was with Dina before we left to find Abby the first time, so not only did it leave me with sorrowful memories of Joel...but of Dina as well. I turned to the right and followed slowly behind him as he made his way into the living room. He moved around piles of dirty dishes and clusters of beer cans before sitting on the couch next to a scrunched up wool blanket and a single pillow. </p><p>“Sorry about the mess I… it felt wrong to sleep in his bed.” he said as he looked around at his unusual set up. “What brings you in.”</p><p>“Maria said I should come and see you.” I responded quickly. It felt wrong to have this awkwardness in the air. We used to be so close and I could think back on the times that we spent laughing or joking together. Now all the joy that used to be in his smile...was gone. </p><p>“So I-” we both said at the same time, both letting out a little laugh at the end. I nodded my head towards him so he could continue before me. “So I… wanted to apologize for the way that I left things. I was… angry. I still am angry. That being said… I shouldn’t have called you a joke because you’re not. I know how much it took out of all of us to do that in the first place and the toll it took on us… but Abby was and is still in my head. She’s the reason that I am missing an eye and that my leg is fucked up. She is the reason Joel and Jesse are gone, the reason that JJ doesn’t have a father and I no longer have a brother. I want her gone… but I’m not willing to lose anyone else to make that happen. I’ve made my peace with it and, now that you’re back, I hope you have too.” He said this piece while staring down at the ground, only looking up at me once he finished. I shared with him for a moment, taking in his words and processing them, making sure that he was serious with what he said and there wasn’t some sort of punch line that I should be waiting for. After a few moments, I took a deep breath and replied. </p><p>“I have. When I went after her I was filled with the same rage you were. I wasn’t eating or sleeping and it got in the way of the family that I had created. But when I actually faced her… and got the opportunity to kill her…” I paused and watched Tommy’s face change with my words. He scooted forward in his seat, putting his elbows on his knees and stared at me as best as he could with the one eye as he waited for me to continue. “...but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had her pinned down, she couldn't get out, my hands were around her throat but… all I could think about in that moment was Joel. The only thing I could bring myself to think of was Joel and our last moments together. How I couldn’t bring myself to completely forgive him for what he did, and that I wanted to try...but I never and will never get that chance...because of what he did to me and what he did to Abby. I just… wanted this cycle of revenge to end. If I killed her there who knows who would have come after me. Then they could come and kill me and Dina or you or Maria would feel compelled to go after them and it would just… it wouldn't end. So I ended it. Not by ending her life but by just… ending the cycle.” Tommy looked at me. He looked confused as he slowly moved to lean back on the couch. He fiddled with his fingers, twirling his thumbs together for what felt like forever before he stood up and looked at me. </p><p>“Okay.” I was shocked. That was it? Just okay? He walked into the kitchen and began rummaging through the cabinets. “Want some coffee?” Still stunned by his reaction, I stood and followed him once again. He handed me the familiar owl mug and I smiled as I held it in my hands as the warmth from the coffee spread through my entire body. We stood there for a while and talked about little things. He didn’t ask for more details about what happened with Abby and maybe that was for the best. We talked about the house and what he wanted to do with it, him and Maria, and what I was going to do now that I was back. </p><p>“I don't know… I hadn’t really thought about it much.”</p><p>“Well… Everything here is the same so… you’re garage hasn’t been touched. It’s yours if you still want it.” I could see some of the light returning to his eyes as he spoke. He took a sip from his cup, tilting it all the way back so he could get the last drop before setting it down in the sink and looking out the window. “Besides, I could use the company.” </p><p>“Yeah. Sure. Thanks.” I knew it would be weird being here without Joel but… it was a roof and a place to start again even if it felt like I was back as square one. “It was nice what you did by the way, with the grave?” Tommy looked at me, his eyebrow raised in question. </p><p>“Grave? What do you mean?” </p><p>“The flowers? On Joel’s grave. It’s nice.” His face was the epitome of ‘what the fuck’. He shook his head and turned his attention back to the sink so he could wash out his cup. </p><p>“I haven’t set foot in that graveyard since we buried him. But hey, grab me those plates will ya? It’s about time I clean up this mess” </p><p>I did as I was asked and walked into the living room and began to pick up the plates and utensils that were scattered everywhere. Who else could have gone in there and put flowers in there? I couldn’t think of anyone else that would do something sappy like that, or even think about doing something like that...until it hit me. </p><p>Dina.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Patrol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dina's POV</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The knocking on the glass was enough to wake up both me and JJ. His cries filled the house as I stared at the figure, trying to make out who it was through my sleep stained eyes. I rubbed them and squinted, expecting it to be Ellie, but it wasn’t. </p>
<p>“Maria?” I stayed at a whisper as I picked up my son and tried my best to rock him back and forth so he would stop crying before I had the whole house in the room. “Jesus Christ you scared me. What are you doing here?” I opened the window and her flushed face met mine. </p>
<p>“Dina! So sorry to wake you up like this but I need a favor.” Her eyes flickered between me and JJ, now looking concerned as if she was having second thoughts as to whether or not she wanted to ask.</p>
<p>“What is it?”</p>
<p>“I’m short one for a patrol. I know you said you wanted off the list because of this little angel,” she said as she nodded her head towards JJ, “but I’m desperate and I won’t ask again.” I sighed. Knowing Maria she really wouldn’t be asking unless I was a last resort. “It’s the patrol by the river. It’s short and I know you know it well. We haven’t had infected there in weeks, we just need to keep it up.” </p>
<p>“Everything alright?” I turned around to Robin, who was leaning against the doorframe with her hand on her back, leaning over in an awkward angle. Her back had been acting up since before I had moved JJ into the farmhouse and it had only gotten worse. “Here…” she said as she slowly walked forward with her arms open for me to hand her JJ. “Let me take him for a bit, see if I can get him back to sleep. You can go, Dina. If she needs you.” Her face smiled back at me but her eyes filled with concern. The same concern Jesse had told me about every time he left this very room to go on a patrol. Reluctantly, I let Robin take him as I turned back to face Maria.</p>
<p>“I guess that’s a yes then.” I said with as much of a smile as I could muster at 5am, “I’ll be there.” </p>
<p>“Great!” She nodded her head in thanks and went off into the darkness. I sat back down on the bed and took a deep breath in. I was going on a patrol. This would be the first patrol that I have been on since I came back. Now that I think about it… the last patrol I went on was with Ellie and Jesse. I looked around the room at all of the things that Jesse had hanging on his walls. Ever since his death, his parent’s kept his room the same. It made it seem like a piece of him was still here...but at the same time it also brought along the feeling that he was gone. </p>
<p>I should be grateful that Robin took us in. Well… took us back in anyways. When Ellie and I first got back and they found out I was pregnant they insisted that I stayed with them instead of by myself. Robin made sure I had everything: a job at the diner, 3 meals a day, medical care...everything that this small town could offer Robin had found some way to get it for me. But it didn’t make staying in Jesse’s room any easier. Thank God for Ellie...she was so good. If she wasn’t out on patrols then she was with me, Robin even let her stay in the house too but it got too… emotional. For both of us. So once JJ was old enough, Ellie found us the farm house. She made my dream come true… she made it our dream that we could share, that we could touch and actually live. </p>
<p>I gathered my things and walked into the darkness towards the large gate that separated Jackson from the rest of the outside world. When I arrived I saw Maria standing there with the new girl who had taken Jesse’s place as Lead Patrol. She gave me a snarky up and down look before walking away but I didn’t have enough fucks to give it. </p>
<p>“Thank you, Dina.” Maria said as I walked up. “I really appreciate you doing this.” I watched as a few of the other patrols began leaving, the number of people dwindled down until I was certain there wasn’t anyone left for me to go on a patrol with. It made me question why I was here in the first place. “Okay, you’re going to take some of the area by the west creek. Why don’t you go and get Japan ready and your partner should be here by the time you get back.” I smiled hearing the familiar name. I haven’t ridden Japan since before the big mess happened. When I walked into the stables, she nayed and greeted me like she always did. </p>
<p>“Hey there pretty girl.” I said as I walked up to her and gave her nose a pat. “It’s good to see a friendly face.” I got her tacked and ready, mounted her and we headed back to meet Maria. </p>
<p>I shouldn’t have been surprised when I saw who was on a horse talking to Maria when Japan and I pulled up. </p>
<p>“Okay, you two know where you’re going.” Maria said with such confidence. I started at my hands holding onto the reins, I didn’t want to look up. “I trust you.” I could feel Maria’s mischievous smile without having to see it. “OPEN THE GATE.” She cried out and the metal started to squeak, allowing us to pass through and begin the patrol I was now regretting waking up for. </p>
<p>We trotted along in silence for a few moments, awkward silence. </p>
<p>“How’s the new horse?” I asked without looking at her. Instead of Shimmer, who had died on our adventures, Ellie was riding a new horse we got recently named Winter. </p>
<p>“She’s no shimmer, but is working out for me just the same.” She leaned down and gently patted her light brown neck. “By the way...thank you.” She said softly as we approached the small creek. It was beginning to fill back up again because of the rain. You could see the fish swimming inside and all of the algae growing along the banks. </p>
<p>“What for?” </p>
<p>“Putting the flower’s at Joel’s grave.” I felt my face turning red. I didn’t think she would notice the flowers, let alone go to Joel’s grave by herself after everything that happened. “I know it was you. Tommy said he didn’t do it and well… thank you.”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome.” I still couldn’t bring myself to look at her just yet, so instead I kept staring at the water. After a few moments, Ellie began leading Winter back down the path and I followed slowly behind. The tension in the air could be cut like a knife and it was killing me knowing that this was the way that we were now. </p>
<p>“So…” I had to say something, I couldn’t keep going like this “Did you know that Maria was setting us up like this?” I finally caught up and turned to my left to look at her… not her face at first… instead I allowed my eyes to slowly trail up her tattooed arm until I reached the freckles on her cheeks. </p>
<p>“No, I didn’t.” She said after a few more awkward moments. “I’m… I'm sorry she did. I didn’t realize-“</p>
<p>“Ellie.” I cut her off. When she got nervous she stuttered a bit. It was adorable, of course, but I didn’t want it to all happen this way. “It’s alright. </p>
<p>“Besides, with your track record it was obvious that you needed an expert patrolman like me to assist you.” I saw her smile as she spoke, her cheeks turned red as she looked down at her hands before turning to look at me. </p>
<p>“Oh yeah obviously.” I replied. I had missed her wit. </p>
<p>“I mean who knows what we’re going to face out here… I might need you to swoop in and save me.” The trail began to wind along the river, Ellie had to pull herself in front of me so we could both fit without crashing into any tree branches. </p>
<p>“You do tend to need saving.” Ellie let out a small laugh as she urged Winter forward. </p>
<p>“What can I say, I’m wild and reckless: getting tattoos, smoking weed, kissing beautiful women in the middle of a crowded dance hall…” she had a sing-songiness go her voice as she playfully looked back at me. </p>
<p>“Hey I made that move!” She made me smile. God I hated how she knew how to make me smile. </p>
<p>“Hmm I don’t know about that.” She said playfully, slowing down so I could catch up and ride beside her. “I am your average Elvis Presley, completely smooth and suave with the ladies and they just casually fall into my hands. What can I say.” </p>
<p>“Since when do you listen to Elvis?” </p>
<p>“Pffff since always!” I laughed at the thought. I loved seeing her smiling back at me. It made me feel like nothing had changed… but then I remembered… it had changed. It had changed in a lot of ways and we couldn’t just keep sitting here like it hadn’t. </p>
<p>“I can’t do this Ellie.” The mood changed automatically. “I can’t…just pretend like nothing happened. I can’t just go back to the way it was.” </p>
<p>“I know.” Her somber tone hurt my heart, I wanted nothing more than to ride over close and give her a kiss on the cheek and let her know it would be okay… but that wasn’t my place anymore. It wasn’t my job to take care of Ellie anymore. </p>
<p>“You left us. You left us and you left me. You made Abby more important than our family. You threw us away…” I felt my voice quivering. “I spent so many sleepless nights in the farmhouse, alone with JJ wondering what had happened or what was happening. I cried, sitting inside your room and looking at all of your artwork thinking that our fight in the kitchen would be the last time I would ever see you again. I cried at night because when JJ was asleep in the other room I was able to realize that I didn’t have to just deal with it…because you were gone anyways. My heart broke, every time I walked out those doors or held JJ in my arms. But it was to me to fix what you broke in me, for JJ, so I did… without you.” and I could keep going on without her…. I could… if I really tried.</p>
<p>“Look…I lost myself okay. I lost it but I’m trying to find it. I don’t want to intrude or mess up your life again... but I also don’t want to lose you. So please... just bear with me okay?” I could hear the pain in her voice. </p>
<p>“...you left and I don’t think I can forgive you for that.”</p>
<p>“I understand.” I watched her deflate like a balloon. I could go on, if I wanted to. But at the same time… I couldn’t look at Ellie and not feel like my heart was glowing. </p>
<p>“But... I’d like to start.” </p>
<p>“I’d like that.” I watched as her eyes filled up with tears. She let them fall instead of wiping them away, which was something I had never seen Ellie do before. Maybe things really had changed for her. Maybe she was really ready to stay for good and put all of this behind us. </p>
<p>We kept going in silence for a few moments and it deemed like we were both just frozen in time… in our own little world that no one could touch or break. Then a tree branch grazed by arm, it stung more than it typically would...then it hit me. I looked at Ellie and took a deep breath before saying what I had to next… because I knew that this vibe of change was about to end. </p>
<p>“I’d like to start… as friends. I’m seeing someone.” </p>
<p>“Oh,” she sounded so shocked. She quickly wiped the tears from her face like she had failed to do before and turned to face me again. Her shock quickly turned into blank face acceptance. “That’s nice. Who?” </p>
<p>I hesitated. This was the part that I knew would start something. “Cat.” </p>
<p>Ellie pulled on the reins and Shimmer abruptly halted. “Cat? My Cat? My fucking ex Cat?” I nodded my head. “Fucking Christ Dina. What the fuck?” Her voice grew louder with every word. “You hated Cat. You said she was bitchy and snooty and a whole fuck ton of other shit. You had a hell of a lot to say about her when I was with her and now what? You like her now? Is this some fucked up way to get back at me?”</p>
<p>“Get back at you?! You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Despite what you may believe, everything isn’t about you, Ellie!” She was absolutely infuriating. I knew she was going to react poorly but this had to cross some sort of line. </p>
<p>“If it’s not then what is it??” She was shouting now. “You hated her.” </p>
<p>“I hated her because she was with YOU.” She was silent after that and it was true, I hated Cat before. I hated Cat because I hated the way that Ellie looked at her. She looked at Cat like she was some sort of freaking Godsend. It was always ‘Cat can do this’ or ‘Cat told me that’ and I got sick of it. I wanted Ellie’s attention and she was giving it to her. “After I got back to Jackson, after YOU left ME, I went and got a tattoo. She did the art and it took a while so we sat and talked. She asked me out and I said yes.” </p>
<p>“So what is it serious now or something?” </p>
<p>“Not like it’s any of your business, but we’ve only been on one date.” I wanted to rub it in just a bit more, give that knife a little twist. “We have another one planned already actually. Tonight.” I could see her clenching her jaw out of the corner of my eye. Her hands were squeezing on the reins like she wanted to snap them. There was something so satisfying having Ellie be jealous like this. I know I shouldn’t enjoy it, but I couldn’t help it. </p>
<p>“And JJ? How does he play into this?”</p>
<p>“What?” </p>
<p>“JJ. I care about his well being. How is Cat going to factor in with him? Just take over as a second Mom? Ever think about what that could do to him having a bunch of people trying to get his attention?” </p>
<p>“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Now I was the one who got to scream. How dare she bring JJ into this like she was his mother. I am his mom and I get to make these kinds of choices. “JJ is all I think about and you no longer have any right to think about him or decide what happens in his life. You gave that up a long time ago so leave MY son out of this.” </p>
<p>“No right? I basically adopted him! You saw the way he came over to me yesterday! He still remembers me and I still care about him.” </p>
<p>“Well you’re shit out of luck there. Leave my son alone.” We rode the rest of the trail in silence, neither one of us looking at the other. I myself focused on my hands and how sweaty they were, how much the rough leather of the reins irritated my hands now that the calluses were gone. I tried so hard to focus on just that because I didn’t want to say anything else to Ellie.</p>
<p>I felt defeated, deflated as we walked our horses back through the gates of Jackson. Maria was there waiting for us when we arrived.</p>
<p>“So how was it?” She asked with a voice a little too chipper for my taste at the moment. “Everything good?” </p>
<p>“Yeah. Fine.” I gave Maria a small nod before leading Japan back to her stables. I was done, beyond done. I knew all of my emotions were fueled by anger and hurt but I didn’t care. All I cared about was going home to my son and then on a makeshift date tonight so I could prove to Ellie and to myself that I could truly move on from all of this for good.</p>
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